'Nervous in New College' – MT17 Week 7

Dear Audrey,

I’ve got a date coming up with a girl I’ve fancied for a very long time. This’ll be my first date since coming out to my family. I’m feeling nervous, and I’m wondering if you’ve got any top tips!



Nervous in New College

New College, Oxford. 'Nervous' is probably shivering in the chapel, or in that bush, poor thing.

New College, Oxford. 'Nervous' is probably shivering in the chapel, or in that bush, poor thing.

Dear Nervous,

Nothing to worry about sweetgums. I’ve been dating since Boy George’s boyhood, and there were triceratops then. The bottom line is to impress your lover before the Aperol Spritz®. Simply select a sumptuous roll from the bread basket and pick at it absently as you open with all the fights you’ve been in, or the wartime surgeries you’ve performed on yourself.

Then transition to this little number: Ah yes, Budapest! I, I—damn it, lover! Listen, I’ve got to say this now, or I’ll die at this dinner table. I talk big game and hunt it, too, but behind these doleful eyes I’m just a bird. A little bird who’s travelled extensively, broken men, spent fortunes, and I also do watercolours—landscapes mostly, but would agree to paint your face. In exchange for your love. Say yes, won’t you?

Try that on for size! See, the trick to succeeding in romance is lying—lie boldly; lie craftily. And above all else, lie in dim lighting, on a chaise longue if possible. The only thing to fear is itself—and you can quote me on that.

Also, do come to my comedy cabaret on November 28th, 7:30pm, upstairs at the Wheatsheaf Pub. It’s £3.50 cash at the door (sorry pet, these eyelashes don’t come cheap!) and bring your lover, too. I’ll be hosting the gig from the stage—so long as I’m not swept up in a Tuesday scandal (again).

And above all else, be nasty.


Yours truly,

Audrey xx



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